Ok, I’ve had a request.
From in response to the last post: “Why the wronged person in the relationship should confront the person they made the commitment with, not the person their S.O. fucked.”
Yes, indeed.
The problem with blaming the person your SO fucked, is that, well, regardless of how you may feel about ethics and social contracts, that person really doesn’t have any responsibility for your relationship.
Am I excusing people who look to purposely hook up with people who might be married or in exclusive relationships? Oh hell, no. However, as much as I think that behavior is reprehensible and will bite them on the ass in the long run, the fact remains that they really have no responsibility for the health and well-being of your relationship.
I understand the all too human desire to believe that someone you love and trust would NEVER hurt you, except for that shameless hussy who MADE them do it.
Ok, newsflash, unless that shameless hussy (of either gender) held a gun to the head of your SO, they didn’t make them do shit. Your SO, knowing full well that they were in a relationship with you, made the decision all on their lonesome, to fuck this other person in direct opposition to the agreed upon terms of your relationship.
That’s right, your special someone made the decision to fuck someone else. They are responsible for that decision.
And here’s the thing, even when the other person knows that your SO is married/in a relationship with you, odds are good that they don’t really know what’s going on inside that relationship. They may have been told that you don’t care, don’t mind, the relationship is ending, you’re only staying together for the children, you don’t put out, it really isn’t that kind of relationship, you don’t respect them, blah blah blah… Really, you have no idea what this person who thinks little enough of you and your love to shit all over them is telling this other person.*
By the time you find out what’s going on, the other person probably thinks you’re this horrible creature who just doesn’t love/understand/care about X like they deserve. And when you go after the other person, claws and fangs bared, it just reinforces every story your SO has ever told them about what a psycho hose-beast you are, how delusional you are, etc…
So what do you do?
Dump the cheating jerk. Confront them, for this relationship is their responsibility, and they screwed up. That’s it. Going after their extra-curricular playtoy isn’t going to prove or solve anything. Honestly.
“What about people who KNOW my SO is in a relationship and go after them anyway?” I hear you ask, “Certainly they deserve some punishment.” Yeah, and saddling them with your cheating SO is probably more than ample punishment. Remember, if they’ll cheat WITH you, they’ll cheat ON you, and ain’t karma a bitch. The thing is, no matter how ardent the pursuit, it takes two to tango, and there ain’t no cheating going on unless your sweetie agrees to the activity. Granted, if they don’t agree and there is force or drugging involved,** that is rape and an entirely other ballgame.
But the gatekeepers to the sexual sanctity of your relationship are you and your SO(s). And while I would argue that going after taken people is shitty behavior in general, the fact remains that even the most devoted poacher is ultimately not responsible for whether or not you or your SO stray. Ultimately, the decision and responsibility lie with the people inside the relationship.
*And having been the “other woman” in a similar situation, it sucks. But it was also partially my fault for not investigating the situation on my own, independent of what the person told me.
**And NO this is not giving anyone license to use the “I was drunk, and lost control” excuse. That is bullshit and we all know it.
Polimicks 
Yes.
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Yes yes.
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What GA said.
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A-fucking-men. I’ve been on the wrong side of the “but my partner doesn’t care” excuse myself a time or two in the past, myself. Even among poly folk, chances are good that anybody who doesn’t want you to meet, talk to, or make an is-this-okay check with their SO is a lying cheating douchebag.
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yes indeedy.
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…not always
So this is where there can be some problems among us poly folk, namly the different flavors of poly. I know several open relationships that opperate like this. “I know you need/want to do things with other people, I am ok with that, I really have no desire to meet, or know about the things or even who the other people are, in fact I will be mad if said person comes up and tries to talk to me.” So there may be no douchebagery involved it could just be a different flavor. Just thought I’d throw that out there to be more complicated.
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Re: …not always
Oh, I’m well aware that this type of poly exists, but all it takes is one lying douchebag to ruin everything. Unless I hear the words from their other partners own lips, I’m not ever going to be inclined to believe anybody who says they practice don’t-ask-don’t-tell poly.
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Re: …not always
One option in that situation is what I have always called the hunting license. If your partner really is ok with you going out with other people, but really prefers not to know the details or have any involvement, have them put it in writing. You can show that open letter to potential partners as proof that you are not a lying douchebag.
And really, if your don’t-ask-don’t-tell partner doesn’t feel comfortable putting it in writing, perhaps what they’re really trying to say is that they’re not comfortable with it at all but don’t want to be the one telling you not to do what you really want to do.
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Re: …not always
I think that last paragraph is what’s really at the core of this situation.
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Re: …not always
I see your point.
However (you knew that was coming – right?)
I’ve been bitten by that in the past. At this point I don’t think that’s poly – I think it’s denial. I really have no interest in going there anymore…
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Agreed.
And advice I followed quite well when I was confronted by a cheating SO. The only time I’ve ever hit someone out of anger.
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Oh, HELL yes, and another “AMEN” on the “lying, cheating douchebag” comment.
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I’ve always felt that going after the third party is simply another form of denial about what’s wrong , and a perfect way to enable further denial, codependency, and more shitty behavior. While I agree that getting involved with someone one knows to be “taken” (and I’ve done it too, and I’m not at all proud of it) is far from sensible, whatever is wrong with the other relationship is not the third party’s responsibility. Clean up your own shit–don’t blame others for it existing.
In short: What GA said. 😉
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THANK YOU.
Ones I’ve heard before -AFTER telling them I’m not the person they should be upset with:
“There’s NO WAY he did this on his own, my little poopsie would NEVER cheat on me, he was seduced!” <-Read as 'you're a bad influence on my 'kid''.
…The ‘kid’ that lied to me about having a girlfriend.
Even better:
“You KNOW he’s easily persuaded! How dare you get him into a situation like that!” <-this was actually in reference to a friend I took to a party with me(sans SO) and was intimate with someone else while we were there.
Why are you dating/encouraging mental children? We’ve all got a little ‘mommy’ in us, but check yourself. You met and entered into a commitment with an ADULT, if that’s changed…
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Yikes. I see why you requested this one.
I never did believe in the “homewrecker” role.
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I’m thinking this is fairly universal, be the relationship poly or otherwise.
…the fact remains that they really have no responsibility for the health and well-being of your relationship.
Yes.
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agreed, in general a third party has no responsibility toward the well being of a relationship.
though if the third person was a friend i would consider it a faux pas and the friendship damaged.
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Of course. I think that goes without saying.
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I have to admit that I usually lose all respect for the person who is helping the cheater, unless they’ve been lied to as well.
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YES! A big huge YES!
This goes beyond just cheating — the Best Friend is not responsible when your SO decides to stay out drinking all night with the Best Friend. Etc., etc.
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