Rape Myth #5: I don’t need to rape anyone.

Sigh. Ok, first, let me just state for the record that no one NEEDS to rape anyone. Not raping isn’t going to kill you. You won’t explode. None of that, I swear.

Now, what most of the folks who say this mean is: “I’m good-looking, and she/he must want it because I am so incredibly hot. I don’t care what she SAYS, she wanted it.” Frequently they will cite the fact that other women/men have willingly slept with them, or perhaps even this particular person has slept with them before, as proof that it couldn’t be rape. They’re frequently surprised when the victim views it as rape, and of course they are. Accepting “no” isn’t in their worldview.

I just don’t know how to combat a case of entitlement like that. And that’s what it is. It’s all about what they want, and screw what anyone else wants. It may begin as sexual attraction in this case, but once they’re told “no” it turns into a power struggle, with the rapist determined to “win.” They seem to lack the fundamental ability to believe that what other people want actually matters.

I don’t know what else to say about this.

The reality is that no one needs to rape, they want to rape. And part of being a reasonable human being is realizing that sometimes what we want isn’t a good idea for us or anyone else. I’m not saying everyone WANTS to rape other people, but I am going to say that from time to time everyone fantasizes about doing something wrong, harmful, mean, or cruel in moments of weakness. The strength comes in not acting on those. In not bashing in the headlights of the asshole who nearly took your bumper off while stealing your parking space, or not taking that little trinket from someone with so much stuff they’d never miss it.

People are really good at rationalizing things they WANT. Acrobats got nothing on the mental gymnastics our brains go through trying to justify something we want to do that we know we shouldn’t.

Ugh, I’m having a hard time articulating what I want to say here.

I guess, basically, that I don’t care how hot you are, how rich, how good in bed, how anything… once someone says no and you keep going, it’s rape. I don’t care if you’re in the act. If she says stop, and you don’t because “We’re past the point of no return,” that’s rape. If she says stop and you do, not rape. See how that works? Not raping someone doesn’t require any special effort on anyone’s part, it merely requires treating other human beings like, well, human beings, and realizing that your desire for sex or power does not trump their desire to not have sex or be overpowered.

Does that make sense?

I’m having a hard time with this because the guy who raped me and took my virginity was really, really handsome. He was hot. And that was another reason it took me so long to call it rape, because hot guys don’t need to rape people right? By admitting to myself that I was sexually attracted to him, I felt that it was my fault. I wanted him, therefore I wanted the sex, right? Even if I didn’t, and said no repeatedly.

Sometimes when I’m talking about issues like this that mirror my experiences heavily, I have trouble articulating.