How Not to Rape Someone: Tips for the other side.
Women are surrounded by media and communications telling us how not to get raped. Women’s magazines, helpful chain emails, tv shows, Aunt Gladys, all of these things constantly bombard us with helpful hints. Don’t drink, don’t go anywhere alone, don’t go out after dark, don’t, don’t, don’t… Live in a little metal box that has food pushed in through a narrow slit, and don’t ever, ever, ever contact anyone of either gender anywhere ever again.
That last bit, that’s roughly what these helpful tips amount to. I mean, for those of us who have to LIVE in the WORLD and want to see PEOPLE on occasion, a lot of the advice is just not practical. Not to mention, it puts the onus for avoiding rape on the victim, and not on the perpetrator, which is where it fucking well belongs.
So here are my non-gender, non-orientation specific guidelines for not raping people, because just as men can be raped, women can be rapists.
1. No means NO. That’s it. If the person you are with says no, Stop. Right then. Immediately. I don’t care where in the process or act you are. I don’t care what’s where. Stop. It isn’t hard.*
2. Do not perform sex acts on anyone who can’t consent. If someone is asleep, unconscious, too inebriated to know what is going on regardless of whether it is from illness, injury, drugs (of any legality), alcohol, or mental disease or defect, and you perform a sex act on them, it is rape. Really, it is.
3. Do not coerce sex from someone. This means if someone is somewhere with you, and they cannot leave without your cooperation, and you won’t let them out unless they put out, that is rape… and kidnapping. If you have a weapon or if you are much stronger and you tell them that you are going to get what you want and their choices are acquiesce or get hurt while you do it, that is rape, even if you make them say “Yes” first. If you are someone’s boss and you give them a choice of sex or getting fired, that is rape and sexual harassment.
Really, that’s about it. I think those three things cover everything. Listen to no, don’t fuck unconscious people, and don’t “offer” a false choice. Basically, don’t be a dickhead. That’s it. Respect the wishes of the person you are with and you shouldn’t have to worry about this.
This also means none of that “I know you’re not into it right now, but let me keep going you’ll like it” and not stopping regardless of what your partner says.
And for your own personal protection: Do not have sex with anyone under the age of consent, because regardless of how into it or enthusiastic they are, it is statutory rape and you can be charged even if your underage partner doesn’t cooperate. I know that some people are mature enough and decide to have sex sooner than society thinks they should. But I also know that an awful lot of people aren’t mature enough, and don’t actually decide to have sex then, and the statutory rape laws are there to protect them from predators. Unfortunately, that’s the way it is.
*Unless the word “no” is a negotiated part of a BDSM scene, and in that case you had best have another safeword. Perhaps, “lawyer.” Also, if you stop and they get all pouty because “they didn’t mean it” do one of two things: A. Run because they are a bad relationship waiting to happen, Or B. Explain that “no” is a very specific word with a very specific meaning and that they shouldn’t use it if they don’t mean it. There are other words for “I like that,” “I don’t like that,” “Slow down.” Suggest that the person in question learn to use them.
Polimicks 
“Don’t be a dickhead.” I think that’s sound relationship advice for everyone. Just think of the fewer talk shows we’d have, if people took that advice to heart.
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This needs to go on Valerie.
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I’m working on one for Valerie,and I am TOTALLY writer’s blocked!!!!
AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!
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Write it somewhere else and paste it over.
You could just check out some of that anti-gay rhetoric you see on political BBS about how dainjerous buttsex is.
…writing will EXPLODE out of you.
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How do we get this in a mainstream newspaper or magazine?
Or… submit it to the Daily show. I know, I know, it shouldn’t be funny, but while 90% of the people would laugh because It Just Makes Sense, 10% would be doing that uncomfortable laugh because they hadn’t really thought it through in detail. Maybe some of those people would Get It.
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I always wonder where the line between able to consent, and unable, lies. Totally drunk to the point of being unable to see, obviously unable to consent. Totally sober (absent any sort of professional relationship or other power dynamic), obviously ale to consent. Slightly tipsy? I tend to assume that anyone even slightly inebriated can’t consent. I suspect I’m wrong, but I’d rather be wrong and pass up an opportunity, than err on the other side.
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If the person is only slightly tipsy, “Would you do this if you were sober” is usually a good question to ask. I think there ARE times when it can be ethical to have sex with someone who’s drunk–for example, this is something a lot of people pre-negotiate if they have partners they trust to keep a close eye for problems and be very careful about protection. However, that also assumes that one partner is fairly sober; sex in which all parties are drunk is generally not a real good idea regardless the parties’ relationships and pre-negotiated consent.
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I’m with you. I do not fuck drunk people. Period.
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Drunk people are intolerably icky to me in any sexual sense.
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This wouldn’t have been rape but it would have possibly led to regret and/or drama.
I’d meet a very cute boy, we were chatting, and kinda out of the blue he states that he would have sex with me if I asked him to. Then points out a couple other cute girls we both know and says the same thing. It came off pretty ego but he explained himself and really he just chose an odd way of saying that he isn’t into casual sex. He likes to get to know someone pretty well before playing hard-core nakid games.
Flash forward a few hours and MUCH smooching. Now he’s all about going home with me and gettin busy. But I tell him no. And some how, through the sex haze, I manage to hold my ground.
Sometimes smooching is like alcohol, it can seriously cloud your judgement. I’d pretty much just meet this guy, but I knew I wanted to now more, and he’d laid out his boundaries before the phermones started flying.
We emailed later that night, both from our own homes, and I explained my reasoning(it was too hard in person with the hormones). He was totally grateful and we’ve seen each other a couple of times since…though still not nakid.
I guess the moral of the story is, just because someone says yes still doesn’t garuntee its a good idea. It wouldn’t have been rape but there would likely have been self-recriminations on both our parts. And no orgasm is worth that.
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I think I’d add: “Don’t continue to ask someone over and over again once they’ve said no repeatedly, and try to wear them down.”
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