Things I didn’t quite feel fit in the last post.
Coming out as bisexual was both more anticlimactic and difficult than I had thought it would be.
Basically, I was talking to my friend P (who later dated R), and he said, “Please don’t hate me, but I have to tell someone. I think I’m bi.” He had cut school to come pick me up at my school to have someone he could talk to about it.
I stared at him for a minute, and then it clicked in my head what he’d said.
“You know, I think I might be, too!” Then we both laughed and hugged, and I think possibly kissed.
I had never had a name for it up until then, really. I’d known since I was five that I frequently had crushes on other girls, and wanted to kiss them like I did with boys. But I also learned very quickly that my liking girls was not ok, and something to be hidden. I think it was after getting caught kissing my best friend in kindergarten. When P came out to me, I realized I wasn’t the only one who liked both genders, and it was a relief.* Bear in mind this was AFTER I had fooled around sexually with a friend of mine back in Ohio. But we weren’t gay or bi, we were drunk, and that made it ok. Don’t get me started on how fucking wrong this is, and how fucking wrong I KNOW it is NOW. But yeah… 16 years old, in my second high school in as many years, terrified that other people will figure out the deep dark secret…
After coming out to my high school friends, and the to do with T, I went through a lot of the stuff that Nice Guys ™ and MRAs are constantly on about. I dealt with the girls who viewed me as a predator waiting to pounce on them constantly. I also dealt with (and still do to some extent) the girls who were curious and saw me as a safe way to experiment sexually. I dealt with the first girl I fell in love with stringing me along to get what she wanted out of me, while telling people tales about how I frightened her and she didn’t understand why I kept following her. Yet every time I tried to leave her alone, like the guys she would cry to demanded, she would chase me down and convince me it wasn’t true, she would never say those things… I dealt with many (straight, bi and gay) women who thought they could lead me around by the cunt as easily as they led men around by their dicks.
The thing is, I, and several million men (other bi women and lesbians as well), manage to go through these travails and think not “All women are deceitful, manipulative cunts,” but rather, “What the hell am I DOING that keeps attracting these nutballs to me? Have I unwittingly put a great big ‘Use me, I like it’ sign on my forehead?”
And yeah, I had. It took several years of very understanding friends and therapy, but I did sort it out. The fact of the matter was that I attracted deceitful, manipulative dicks as well as cunts, because I was really easy to manipulate. And to some extent I kind of still am. Less so as I get older and wiser in the ways of manipulative assholes of both genders, but I still have my moments where I get snookered by someone with a good sob story and an excellent poker face.
And I’m still catnip for bicurious women who want to experiment. I’m not sure how much of the “I KNOW you’ll be good and gentle” stuff is bullshit or real, nor am I sure it’s just that they know that since I have Ogre, I’m not likely to get embarassingly attached to them. Or how much of it is, I’m just one hot sexy bitch capable of turning your wives and girlfriends, so be on notice, bitchez…
*I’m convinced that part of the process of becoming an adult is the repeated realization that you are not the only person X has happened to, and that keeping that shit a secret is BAD. Values of X differ with the life lived.
Polimicks 
Hey. Remember that post I did a little bit ago about feeling safe. You didn’t ask but here it is anyway:
Your being as out and open as you are about your life experiences, being unapologetic regarding your strengths as well as your (perceived) flaws, and posting much of that here for others to see…helps make me feel safe.
*luv*
LikeLike
Awww, you’re going to make me all weepy.
LikeLike
Thank the gods you are you…
LikeLike