This is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things…
Epic Facepalm.
Not really, but I’m about to describe something that makes me as facepalm-y as that phrase sounds.
Re: That last post.
Every time I talk about why women treat strange men with suspicion, or why women don’t like to be blatantly propositioned by strangers, inevitably somewhere, whether it’s someone who links it or here in the comments, someone male-identified says, “Well, that’s why I’m afraid to flirt with anyone.”
Ok, obviously we need to clarify a few things.
Thing the First: NO ONE IS TELLING YOU NOT TO FLIRT! No one is saying that you can’t flirt. No one is even saying that you shouldn’t flirt. What we ARE saying is that if you attempt to flirt with a complete stranger, the odds are stacked against you for the reasons covered in the last post AND the Crux of Creep series of posts. What we’re telling you is that when you flirt with or proposition someone solely on the basis of their appearance with no other knowledge of them, that we know your attraction is pretty superficial. However, if you flirt with people you already know, then they’ll (hopefully) know that there is, in fact, a deeper attraction.
Thing the Second: If you do flirt with someone, regardless of whether you know them or not, TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER. If she says “No,” to you buying her a drink, the correct response is, “OK, thanks for your time” or possibly even, “Ok, but let me know if you change your mind.” See, that way you let her know you aren’t one of those assholes who, when he gets turned down is suddenly all, “Didn’t want to fuck you anyway, fat ugly whore!” She knows you aren’t a douche, and that you are interested, and that you’re leaving the ball in her court.
I’m going to expound on this a little, and repeat something I point out in the Crux of Creep posts. See, if you don’t take a woman’s “No” at face value, and instead try to wheedle reasons for her “No” out of her so you can argue her out of her “No”
or say, buy her a drink anyway, you are building a case against yourself as a guy who will not accept the world “No” during later more intense and important interactions. Like sex.
See, every time I bring this up, someone will invariably say, “Well, it’s just a drink!” or “It’s just her email!” or something else. “I would never force myself on someone!”
Yes, but she probably doesn’t know that, especially if she doesn’t know you, and you have just demonstrated that you are willing to ignore her “No” or try to talk her out of it. And as far as “Just a drink” or “Just an email address.” You can’t even respect her wishes for something simple, small and petty like that, why on earth would she think you’d suddenly start listening to her when sex is at stake? Her evidence (your behavior) says that you push or ignore boundaries.
Thing the Third: Well, how will I ever meet anyone if I can’t hit on strange women? Ok, I think we have different definitions of “meet.” See, most of the people I’ve wound up sleeping with have been friends first. We met at Sci Fi conventions, or concerts, or comic stores, or… lots of places. We got to know each other, hung out, watched movies, argued about books, played RPGs together, went CD shopping first BEFORE we got to sexy fun times.
Remember that Margaret Atwood quote in the last post about the fact that men are afraid women will laugh at them, and women are afraid men will kill them? Yeah. I, for the most part, am very interested in trying to suss out whether or not a guy is going to hurt me should I be alone in a private space with him. Most women are. Trust me. None of us want to be killed, raped or beaten. One night stands are fun and all, but unless I was doing it somewhere I could scream for help and bring about ten heavily armed men running (cough SCA events cough), there is an element of risk there that I didn’t often feel like taking. Much safer to cultivate a group of friends with benefits so you can share stories of who is a jerk, and who’s great in bed and a good partner.
Thing the Fourth: How can I tell if women aren’t interested if they don’t say No? Sigh. This is also covered in depth in the Crux of Creep posts, but I’ll hit the highlights here. Body language, apart from a fairly small number of neuro-atypical people, the majority of people, men and women, are perfectly capable of reading body language. It’s just that men often feel justified in ignoring it if they don’t like the answer it provides. Is she facing you, smiling, laughing, are her arms relaxed? Or is she tight, do her smiles look forced, and does she have her arms crossed over her chest? Is she speaking freely and eagerly with you, or are her replies monosyllabic? Seriously, for neurotypical folks it isn’t that hard to tell if someone’s actually in to you. And an awful lot of neuro-atypical folks have also taught themselves to read these signals that may not be as apparent to them as someone with typical brain wiring.
Basically the thing to remember regarding your interactions with women (or vice versa) is that your rights and desires end where theirs begin. The freedom of speech does not, in fact, cover crudely hitting on women. Nor does it mean you won’t be called out for asshole-ish behavior.
Remember, there is no shortcut to the pussy. No behavior guarantees that you’ll get laid. However, treating women as if they are real actual people does help.
Polimicks 
Recent Comments