Polimicks

Leftist commentary from a mouthy bitch

I am not a role model.

AAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

Yet again, I am slapped full in the face by the reality that several of my sub-cultures are full of people who, in the immortal words of , are “trying to drag everybody into the Self-Sabotage Conga Line” of their dysfunction. This, by the way, made me spit tea all over my monitor when she typed into IM, and was rapidly followed by “dah-dah-dah-dah-DAH-FAIL! dah-dah-dah-dah-DAH-FAIL!” is made of win.

One of the big reasons I’m not more open with non-friends about being bi, poly or kinky is that when any of these words are mentioned, people immediately get a mental image of one of the type of people I absolutely fucking hate. Kind of like why I don’t tell people I’m Wiccan very often. It comes down to my lack of desire to “spin control” every facet of my life. Yeah, it’s great that I’m a “good” example of all of those things, plus several others. It’s great that I’m a non-stinky, female gamer, that I’m a non-flakey, clothes-wearing Wiccan, that I’m a Sub in the bedroom and a real person out of it, that I have relationships with more than one person and not to try to save a marriage going down in flaming wreckage, or find ways to cheat in the bounds of the “open” relationship.

I am, however, also under no obligation to be your poster child.

Which, unfortunately, leads to volunteer poster children as the symbols of my sub-cultures who I’d rather set on fire than admit any similarities to.

Plus, the media would have NOTHING to do with me as a poster child, I’m too boring. I go to work, I go home, I knit, I play with my pets, I have kinky sex with my Boy, I see my girlfriend when time permits… I game. I don’t wave swords around my backyard while naked, I don’t live as the Boy’s “slave,” and I try not to cross the boundaries of my own relationship or anyone else’s. It’s like when Ogre and I see stories on “Violent Skinheads” it just cracks us up. I mean, sure all the Skins we know fight on occasion, but mostly they sit around listening to music, smoking and drinking. Most Trad skins are just as boring as, well, most poly, kinky, Wiccan folk.

Seriously, I have little patience for people who get into “scenes” in order to be outre, shocking or deviant. And most other folks in those scenes feel the same way, because this week you’re Goth, or Kinky, or Bi, or Poly and next week you’ll be Macro-biotic, Vegan, in PETA, or whatever trips your trigger that week. And I have no problem with people finding themselves by trying a lot of new things, but by the same token if you tell me your main motivation is “freaking the mundanes” then don’t get at all upset when I utterly dismiss you. That shit was cute when I was 19, I’m in my 30s now and it has long since ceased to be entertaining.

All I ask, is that if you feel the need to “represent” that you try not to make us all look like dickheads, ok? Really. Don’t talk about your “Master/Slave” relationships to work people, don’t chat about Fae Magicks in line at Starbucks and don’t try to fuck people in committed non-poly relationships to make yourself feel better about “Lake You.”

Just try to be a human being who happens to have a few strange interests, hobbies, proclivities, not a strange interest, hobby, proclivity who happens to be a human being.

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11 comments on “I am not a role model.

  1. lexica510
    September 18, 2008

    The idea of freaking the mundanes merely to freak the mundanes (and not because, f’rinstance, you’re doing something that’s important to you that mundane sorts happen to find freaky) reminds me of something Teresa Nielsen Hayden wrote recently:

    Don’t accept unexamined the claims iconoclasm makes for itself. Iconoclasm for its own sake is as vapid and empty-headed as the most rigid conformism. The world is full of stupid iconoclasm, boring iconoclasm, conventional iconoclasm, imitative iconoclasm, and repetitious iconoclasm.
    Avoid self-proclaimed iconoclasts who are past their mid-twenties. Most of them are dull clots who’ve seized on the idea of iconoclasm because they can’t think of anything else to do with the world around them.
    Real iconoclasts, the kind that are worth having, don’t love iconoclasm; they love the work they’re doing.

    Like

  2. zabieru
    September 18, 2008

    Wait, you knit?
    I have to admit a weakness for freaking out the ‘danes, but I try to do it after I’ve established my credentials as a capable, accessible, mildly angry but generally caring human being. It’s not a motivation in its own right, it’s to show my colors because I find conversations where someone assumes I’m just like them in a way that I’m decidedly not to be really uncomfortable. “What do you mean you don’t believe in Jesus?” or “I don’t think those people should go out dressed like that” or the like.

    Like

    • sirriamnis
      September 18, 2008

      Yeah, I’m with you. When people ask me what I thought of the last episode of “America’s Next Top Model” or “Lost” I kind of stare at them like they have two heads.
      And no, I’m not being sarcastic.

      Like

      • zabieru
        September 19, 2008

        As much as I do try to escape or evade those conversations, it’s the ones like one of my professors asking me how someone can “defile himself” with a tattoo that are really uncomfortable. “Well Neal, let me just take off my shirt and you can ask me again…”
        It’s not the negative opinion that bugs me, because I don’t lack for anger to direct at those people. Something about being made complicit in it, though, like it’s you and me, Normal Folk, against those freaks… That just gets under my skin.

        Like

  3. garpu
    September 18, 2008

    *grin* As a mundane, I kind of like it when people try to freak me out. After living in Seattle and Los Angeles before that, not much does. It harshes their squee, when I don’t react.
    I certainly don’t say that I’m a Christian, because I don’t want people tossing me in with the megachurch-going, Amy Grant-listening, Biblical inerrantist whackjobs. I’m more likely to say I’m Catholic, but that has another host of associations with it that aren’t true. So it’s just easier if religion doesn’t come up at all.

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    • kashma
      September 18, 2008

      This is something I struggle with on a daily basis. I am a Christian, but certainly not a “megachurch-going, Amy Grant-listening, Biblical inerrantist whackjob” as you so rightly put it.
      But, on the other hand, if I don’t at least put myself out there as Christian, but a different sort than people might assume, I let the inerrant whackjobs define what Christian is. So I put myself out there. Because it’s my label, too.

      Like

      • sirriamnis
        September 18, 2008

        This is the problem I run into being a gamer/kinky/bi/poly/Wiccan… Those are my labels, and part of me says, “Yes, I should be letting people know that we’re not all freaks” but another part of me says, “But it always leads to long, boring, irritating discussions that require a white board and a podium.”

        Like

      • kashma
        September 18, 2008

        Oh, yeah, totally. I know exactly what you mean. Explaining things like religion, or sexuality for that matter, to folks who usually have a pile of assumptions and often rather negative opinions about things they know little about is always hard.
        So, like I say, I struggle with it. Sometimes, I engage, sometimes I don’t. The Buddhists talk about “skillful means”, which in these situations I think implies that you might be better off saving your energy to talk with someone who might be willing to actually hear you.
        Surely, sometimes, you have had honest, good communications with someone on these issues?

        Like

      • sirriamnis
        September 18, 2008

        Yeah, and sometimes I’ve spent two hours banging my head against the brick wall of someone’s preconceptions.

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      • kashma
        September 18, 2008

        Well, sure.
        Some folks aren’t really wanting to communicate, and there’s very little you can do about it.
        In fact, I’ve been thinking a lot about this – I think that more often than not, our culture fosters a model of communication that isn’t very communicative – more just shouting things at each other.
        Sometimes there are ways to penetrate the armor, as it were. But often, there aren’t.

        Like

  4. kashma
    September 18, 2008

    You’re living for yourself, and not for or by others opinions of you. Sounds completely reasonable to me. Wise, even.

    Like

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This entry was posted on September 18, 2008 by in Uncategorized.

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