Rape Myth #3: All women have rape fantasies, and therefore secretly want to be raped.
Can I hear a “Bullshit” from the congregation!!!
Hallelujah.
Ok, first off, only 31-57% of women report having rape fantasies. So that’s not all women. Granted, it may be under-reported due to shame at having these fantasies.
Second, FANTASIES ARE NOT THE SAME THING AS REAL LIFE!!!!!
People fantasize about a lot of different things they would never do, or want to do in real life. Hell, I occasionally fantasize about living the 24/7 BDSM lifestyle, but I know I wouldn’t ever want to do it in real life. And even more importantly, couldn’t. I resent the hell out of having to tell anyone, including my husband, where I’m going to be when, as it is. Having someone dictate where and when, let alone what, would drive me to homicide in about, oh, I’d give it three days.
I also fantasize about pirates. Not the real lice and scurvy-ridden pirates of history, but the neat, clean, and very mannerly pirates of Romance fiction. I have a lot of fantasies that are not reasonable, rational or nice for that matter. Would I actually want any of them to come true? No.
Do women who have rape fantasies want them to come true? No. Absolutely not.
Has this been used as a defense in rape trials? Yes, it has and those who use it should suffer for a very long time. It is another form of victim blaming that places the onus for a violent act on the victim.
The majority of women who have rape or ravishment fantasies, do not want them to come true in real life, and live their lives according to the LONG list of things we, as women, are supposed to do in order to be safe and rape-proof. The fact that this long ass list of things hasn’t protected countless women from rape doesn’t seem to matter one bit to the majority of people out there.
Just because a woman reads “bodice-rippers” or admits to fantasizing about a pirate, looking suspiciously like Johnny Depp, carrying her off and ravishing her, doesn’t mean she actually wants that.
I fantasize about being the Lord High Poobah of All I Survey, but it doesn’t mean I actually want the job. I also, occasionally, fantasize about having a rocket launcher mounted on the front of my car, it doesn’t mean I really want to kill anyone. Fantasies are a way to blow off steam, and relax. And they are a valuable tool for that.
Even if someone does start to lose their grip on where fantasy ends and reality begins, and they start to engage in really risky behavior, it does not give anyone the right to rape them. Period. I don’t care if someone is naked and in your bed. If they say no, that means no. Stop. There is no such thing as “the point of no return” or “being swept up in the passion of the moment.” If you aren’t both “swept up in passion” then it’s rape.
But mostly, it doesn’t matter if a woman (or a man) fantasizes about being ravished by big hairy bikers every night of their lives, it doesn’t excuse the reprehensible action of any human being who would coerce them into sex against their will. Not one little bit.
Why? Because rape is not the victim’s fault. Ever. The fault lies solely with the rapist. Always. Because no means no, and all the fantasizing in the world won’t change that.
Polimicks 
There’s a wonderful bit on this in Betty Dodson’s Sex for One. Can’t remember the exact quote, but it’s worth looking up if you have the book.
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I don’t, but I’ve heard good things about it.
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And the post doesn’t even mention that if yes, by some stretch of the imagination, that someone actually wanted the fantasy to come true it doesn’t mean that they want “you” to do it.
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I have a friend who negotiated a “rape abduction” scene with a former lover. It took hours of negotiation and several months of planning and coordination.
And she always knew that all she had to do was use her safeword and it would stop.
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good on her.
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I’m glad you brought this up. I too have had a negotiated rape scene with a former lover.
I’ve been told that, by participating this scene — this scene that was defined, controlled, private, pre-negotiated, consensual, safeworded, and performed with someone who I trusted completely — this means I’m suddenly a bad feminist (no) who’s promoting violence toward women (never), that my partner pressured me into it (I asked), that I want to be sexually abused (been there, had that, no thanks), that I’m muddling the issue of sexual assault (by having a negotiated social contract with firm and well-defined limits and boundaries), and basically every other invective you can think of, short of calling me a whore or a tool of the patriarchy.
It was the hottest goddamn scene I’ve ever participated in, but y’know what? It still doesn’t mean I actually want to be raped.
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Thank you.
That’s really all I have to say.
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Thank you. Comments like this are why I keep doing these, in spite of the long, sick-making arguments they cause me to have with male friends who don’t get it.
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